Things are never as they were. Even the things you can do for years, the same routine over and over, will be different. It’s the small differences in these situations that pull away at you. They collect and pile up to a point where they are nearly impossible to control. In the same vein, they are the things that separate everything, otherwise we would all be one story. Everyone repeating the same thing until death. That is the problem. That is why we have emotions. Without it, things would become normal.
I feel weirdly comfortable. There are certain things that, when I see them, give off a strange comfortable vibe. That is happening right now. I might have just found the cover for my album.
I’m working on my most ambitious “song” I’ve attempted right now. It’s not really a song. If anything it’s an ambient atmosphere. But, it could go anywhere. I’ve never felt the happiness of completing a song. The album I’m in the process of making right now has about thirteen songs (meaning not instrumentals.) I can listen to them and feel nothing. I wish I felt the passion of seeing a song come to fruition. I hear all the work put in to it or how I was feeling or where I was when I made it. I can’t look at my songs as real songs. Of course I could have a bias, being the sole creator behind everything in the song. The problem I’m having is I can’t not see the mistakes, even the little ones. This translates to when I listen to other people’s songs as well (but not as often.) I guess what I’m trying to say is, I hope I can make songs I would be willing to show other people.
Every once in a while, I get this weird feeling and I just got it now. It pretty much describes where I am. I don’t know if I am happy, even though I laugh everyday. I’ve been anxious for so long, my mind tries to find things to be scared of. I worry that when I’m happy, it won’t be long before something happens that will fuck it all up. I’m worried there will never be something better than the middle. All in a split second.
I have a folder on my computer from the last time I imported pictures from my SD card. Most of the photos are from one day, early in the morning to night (which is unusual for me) Whenever I look at those photos, which most of the recent photos I’ve posted are from that day, I always remember little things like when I turned off my laptop to take a car ride & how long I was outside taking pictures when I got back. The best thing about those photos is it’s as close to my perfect day as I’ve ever gotten.
It sounds weird, maybe just to me, to have a perfect day. A day where you forget all the bullshit that goes through your mind every other day of the year. There’s always something interesting going on. The weather is perfect.
& I know that day will never come to pass.
These bags under my eyes,
are filled with lies,
because that’s all I’m willing to show,
& it’s useless because everybody knows.
I’ve been awake at least two hours than normal (about 6:41 am as of writing) there is light outside and I haven’t slept. For some reason, my body hates sunrise. I always go to sleep just before light appears outside so I can fall asleep in the dark. I can’t fall asleep in the daytime until about noon, it’s usually too bright. Not that I am currently awake at this unusual hour, what I’m thinking starts to twist. My current thoughts are about never sleeping again. I’m only moderately tired. Not enough to fall asleep, mostly due to caffeine. All I’m thinking is I can sit here for as long as I can and I will never fall asleep. That is currently scaring the shit out of me. On my list of fears (which is way too long) at the top is never falling asleep. I like staying up at night. I’m way more productive for some reason. All day, I couldn’t care less, I don’t give a fuck. At night, all I want to do is work in music or cleaning my room or writing. For some reason I only want to stay up as long as the sun is down. (I think that’s all. I just wanted to explain everything. Now that I think about it, it’s story is out of order.)
I’ve had a cough for a while now and late at night, it gets bad for some reason. I sometimes cough so hard, I become convinced that I will start coughing up blood. & I’m trying to fall asleep while everyone is sleeping and I’m going to die because I don’t want to be a bother to anyone. So, I just fall asleep with the hope I will wake up the next day. (this also happens with bleeding)
I want to start a project. A project that takes more that a few hours to complete. There is a huge problem in the way. With out giving too much of the project away, I basically need help from a bunch of people. The first problem is I have one to two, at best, people in real life that could help. The thing is the project needs to be thoroughly controlled. Variables need to be reduced completely. Now, I could ask people online to help, but there’s an even larger problem in the way. I’m lucky to get five people to read this post. As you can see, I’m stuck.
Though the project won’t be fully started until the summer, a little over two weeks for myself, I can at least try to get people on board now. So, if you have a camera, and an internet connection, and maybe half an hour at most to spare I’d appreciate it. The task is not difficult. (I’m going to be vague to keep the project a secret) All I need you to do is record your face. (speaking vague is hard)
I’ll make a full set of instructions soon. (This is of course under the illusion that people are willing to help)
As a quick side note, there is a chance, though very slight, that you were following me on Twitter last summer. I started this project last year, but it never really went anywhere.
I think that’s all I have to say. If you are generous enough to help, thank you. It’s not something I’m used to doing and I still feel weird about it.
I’ve rendered a video in working on about five times now. All I’m changing is the audio extremely slightly to get it perfect. It might be my favourite video I have ever made so far. I’ve also spent the largest amount of time editing it, besides a video I did a while ago that I’ll never want to explain. For the first time, I’m using a sample in the audio, which is new for me. The hardest part of this video is giving it a title. More that not, I spend more time thinking of a title that making the video or poem etc.
I can’t imagine what you look like now,
what you’ve done, what you’ve gone through,
I do hope you are doing well.
You were the one I had once known. Now the door had been locked. I’m not sure who you really were, but I liked that. You seem so distant like a star in the sky. The dust all around seemed to help us all. The scars on your face were to hide who you were.
I stop. You start to listen and I’m shocked.
Walking away with the greatest of failures. Stopping just to see the sign. No one around and no one in mind, I start to realize that this was the time to forget, yet that seems an impossibility.
Your True Self
Last night, I had a dream. Being a fan of dreams, I like to remember the dreams I have. This dream I had last night was a reoccurring dream. At least, that’s what I like to think. As the time passes, the details fade. I woke up at 4:10 am this morning and as I write this it is 4:52 pm. All the details are not there, but I’ll recite what I remember. Basically, there are two parts to what I remember. The first part is being in my friends house (which is not my friends house, but I will expand on this in a bit) and the second part, seeing two men at my door.
Now, I don’t remember if these are connected or not. As I write, the connection seems to grow stronger.
The first part. I need to describe the house first. I was at what I think is my friends house. I’ve been at this friends house before in real life and it looks nothing like the house in my dream. For some reason, when I saw the house in the dream, I recognized it as my friends. I was in the attic/bedroom. There was a hole in the ceiling with a ladder. The attic was small and had windows. (This could be why I recognized it as my friends house because it has the same look, if that makes sence) I remember looking down the enterence to the attic/bedroom. That’s about all I remember from part one of the dream.
Part two. This part seems more memorable and the reason why I call it a reoccurring dream. This part seems as foggy as the first one. The only part I remember is standing at the front door. (This is the connection I was talking about/ this very well could be the same house from part one) The door was open and there were two men standing at the door. I think they were wearing suits.
(At this point in the dream, everything in the dream is normal, everything followed the same timeline it always had)
Then the dream took an unexpected turn. I think the two men were robbers. I say this because they quickly ran inside the house. I got a feeling of not being able to stop them. Something was holding me back and I can’t pinpoint what it was.
This is all of the dream I can remember. If I did this right after I woke up, there would be more. I woke up at 4:10 in the morning. When I woke up, I did not want to go back to sleep in case I had the dream again. I quickly got the feeling that I had the dream before. Soon after, I went back to bed and I didn’t have the same dream (as far as I can remember because I don’t remember the dream I had)