It’s been an interesting weekend.
(Photo from 01.31.13)
Elliott Smith - “I Didn’t Understand”
Thought you’d be looking for the next in line to love
Then ignore, put out, and put away
And so you’d soon be leaving me alone like I’m supposed to be
Tonight, tomorrow, and every day
There’s nothing here that you’ll miss
I can guarantee you this is a cloud of smoke
Trying to occupy space
What a fucking joke
What a fucking joke
I waited for a bus to separate the both of us
And take me off, far away from you
‘Cos my feelings never change a bit
I always feel like shit
I don’t know why, I guess that I just do
You once talked to me about love
And you painted pictures of a never never land
And I could have gone to that place
But I didn’t understand
I didn’t understand
I didn’t understand
Every once in a while, I get this weird feeling and I just got it now. It pretty much describes where I am. I don’t know if I am happy, even though I laugh everyday. I’ve been anxious for so long, my mind tries to find things to be scared of. I worry that when I’m happy, it won’t be long before something happens that will fuck it all up. I’m worried there will never be something better than the middle. All in a split second.
Wild Pack of Family Dogs - Modest Mouse
A wild pack of family dogs came runnin’ through the yard one day,
My father got his gun, shot it up, they ran away ok.
A wild pack of family dogs came runnin’ through the yard
And as my own dog ran away with them,
I didn’t say much of anything at all
I didn’t say much of anything at all
I didn’t say much of anything at all
A wild pack of family dogs came runnin’ through the yard
As my little sister played, the dogs took her away
And I guess she was eaten up ok, yeah she was eaten up ok
My mother’s cryin’ blood dust now
My mother’s cryin’ blood dust now
My mother’s cryin’ blood dust now
My daddy he quit his job today, well I guess he was fired but that’s ok
And I’m sittin’ outside my mudlake, waiting for the pack to take me away,
right after I die, the dogs start floating up towards the glowing sky.
Now they’ll receive their rewards, now they will receive their rewards.
How Long Is The Ride? (& Do I Want It To End)
I think being sick has given me a (somewhat underwhelming) epiphany. In life, and other aspects of it, I am in the middle. That could be why I feel so fucked up.
I’ve been thinking about mundane life for a while. In a few ways, I think certain aspects of my existence are mundane. Also some aspects are mundane, but predictable. I can’t tell whether I want a (controllable) mundane existence or the opposite.
For a while, I has the the thought my being sick was my body trying to get away from the mundane for a while.
It’s just the fact that for a while, I felt my life is ridiculously mundane. Another part of me says it’s fine. Right in the middle.
