(April 7 - Write prose)
I feel like certain days, especially ones that repeat a specific act, have feelings. Somehow, the way the light flows through the windows or how much sun is specifically going through the clouds can change in very minimal ways. For example, a few friends and I will go out on Fridays. We’ll usually go to a record store or bowling, just an excuse to get out of the house and talk. The one thing that remains constant is we always go to Denny’s, which usually signals the end, or more recently the start, of the night. By the time I get home, this blanket of depression seems to sneak up every time.
I’m not too sure why. The only idea I could find is its a bad fade back into “normal” life. Most of my days are spent at home. Going out with my friends is usually the only time I will be out of the house every week. I also think its why I have so much anxiety. If I was outside, taking to people and purchasing products, I wouldn’t think being on a second story floor is an “issue.”
I’m working on it. When I say that, I mean I’m thinking about it. Most of my problems stem from my own brain, so that’s where I’ll fix them, I think. It makes sense. I just feel like I’m on the edge of adulthood and I have better balance that I thought. When I think about it, its embarrassing. I don’t have a job, but I don’t need one yet. I don’t have bills or something I need to support. I think getting a job could be the catalyst for me being better.
I want to enjoy not having a real voice yet. I mean my voice in creativity. I feel like that’s what works. I never had the Marine Biology gene. What I do works. I’m just trying on my influences, as they say. I’m generally creative, thought I hate the word “creative.” It assumes too much. Like a faucet, you can turn that sucker on and boom, you have a new album or book or poem. A lot of the work is in my head, thinking about all the negatives and hoping I didn’t lift a line from something else. Maybe if I get a job, I’ll stop worrying so much, or I may be too tired to do anything at the end of the day. I procrastinate enough as it is having nothing to do. Imagine if I did. I’m emotionally drained, so I’ll go for the usual sleep in too late and get nothing done, for now anyway.